I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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