You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
