I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
