walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
