she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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