You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
