Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
