My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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