i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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