some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
