I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize