My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you inspire me to be a worse person
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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