They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
