the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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