Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
