If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
