So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
