FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
