me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
