drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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