To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
