he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
