I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
