someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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