My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
