I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
