Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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