I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
