The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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