Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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