My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
