Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
