I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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