my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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