she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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