Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
