Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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