I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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