grandma shit on top of the toilet
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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