Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
