Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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