Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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