Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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