if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
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I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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