Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
