Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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