i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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