you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
