She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
