from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You're earring is so big in my mouth
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize