i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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