"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
