i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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