That's when you crack a 10am beer
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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