Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
