seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
