i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
