my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
