Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
