i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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