Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
