Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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