i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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