Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
